Took awhile for me to remember the password to this space. I'm glad no one comes here anymore. I'm glad I have space for myself, to actually be myself and speak my mind. To run away from the pretense of the world and feel for a moment that no one can judge.

I've been hearing too much recently. About me, you, him, her. No one actually gives the full story of what they've heard, just pieces that can fish for more information so they can do some spreading themselves. So I tell them what they want to hear. But be vague and be smart about what you share. Maybe if it comes back to me then I'd get the joke. That's it right, how rumors work? Everyone talks like they know you, know your life. But really, it's just a defense mechanism to prevent themselves from being the only one with bad rep. So why bother fighting against this vicious cycle? It's gonna hit everyone and only when you get it bad will you realize what a bitch you were. So here's karma for you, friend or foe.

I don't know what to think or do. I came into this hell hole thinking I could be someone different. Be someone new. But the past will always follow. You can run but you can't hide. I'm sorry for so many things, and for hurting so many people. So I guess karma's on me now.

Oh trouble follows you wherever you go.

& Too many songs are reminding me of you. Listening to music used to calm me down. Now all it does it make my heart sink with every beat.

I hope I understand everything soon. I just want to be sure about one thing in my life. Everything else can change and we'd still be happy.

I'm back to rant on this useless wall.

How exactly did I expect this to turn out?

5 years ago, even before I put both of us through this hell of a roller coaster ride, I already knew how nothing lasts. Was I testing my "faith" and give "love" a shot or was I trying to prove myself wrong so I'd stand more firmly to my beliefs? I guess the latter was more successful anyway. Love changes to hate so quickly; I'd know that from the monster you're becoming. Best friends you say. Every move you make seems like you're trying to pierce another arrow in my heart.

I don't understand how this works. A relationship. Because the sacrifice of losing someone so special in your life isn't worth the days/months/years of happiness you had while in a relationship. What's the fucking point.

Right now I just wish my 50 years came early.

I'm sorry I put you through this, through everything.

Hello 2011, though its only been two weeks, too much has happened. Well, not like my life isnt crazy enough. I need things to slow down. I need some time to myself, just to think about what zoomed past these few months. Well 2010 has prolly been the most hectic year in my 18 years of living. The year of partying, the year of regret, the year of extreme happiness, the year of extreme sadness. HAHA sounds like I'm someone with bipolar, but no it just so happens that too many events happened last year.

I just got through another mind-fucking situation and I thank god that everything's fine now. It's not that it'll have been a bad thing. I guess the people around me just aren't ready to handle it.

Anyhow, I'm thankful for the friends I have. The past few months really showed me how lucky i am. (: Because good or bad, I know that my girls will always be there for me.

I was worried and excited so i stalked every possible information I could to try and find out how you fared, but I couldn't find anything so I asked you how it went when you came online. Did you change in two nights or are you just "giving me what I want"? Because suddenly, you didn't seem to care.

I'm afraid to whine or cry to others because my lovely friends care so much. I love knowing people are there for me, but it hurts to know i'm making them worry. So now how, what am I supposed to do? Act happy, and maybe i will be.

So here I am. hopefully no one comes here anymore because i just need a place to rant.

The truth is, I can't take it anymore, and I'm losing myself. Why are you able to forgive me so easily? Stop being so nice, I'll take you for granted. I dont want to be selfish and be with someone who loves me more than I love him. Even though I know I can't live w/o you. Every fucking thing around me reminds me of you. I can't go anywhere or do anything without you crossing my mind. But what if its just because I miss you too much right now? Give me sometime to set my priorities straight. I really want to be with you but I don't want anything like this to happen again.

How is it you can remain so devoted and I can't? oh wait, maybe during this period, if smtg like two years ago happens again, then we'll truly know where your heart is? Oh fuck me. I should stop putting him down just because I can't handle commitment.

Everyone who meets me and doesnt know what happened just comment on how awfully swollen my eyes are. Then some people would say, clubbing right?! & even that makes me think about you. Even though its been barely 2 and a half days, I miss you more than I can take. I miss your wake up calls. I miss how you'd try to surprise me by coming down while I'm working. I miss how your hair looks after you bathe. I miss how you'd wait for me to come home after I work, then pretend to sleep just to see what I'd do. I miss how you'd ask me to take my time cause you'd rather wait for me than make me wait. I miss that angry look on your face when other guys stare in my direction. I miss how you'd talk in that act cute voice, then forget that there's other people around. I miss how you'd rush down to help me carry my heavy stuff, esp if I bought school books. I miss how we always plan to wake up early to go somewhere for nice lunch but always end up ordering in. I miss you'd test food for the slightest tint of spicyness for me. I miss how you're always too shy to come for dinner with my friends. I miss how you used to cycle to my place in the middle of the night. This list could go on for years.

Fuck it, how am I supposed to survive?

Okay, I've decided to leave my blog here for it to rot. Meanwhile, I'll enjoy my busy life. I'll be back though (:

School started this week and I'm hating my timetable really badly. I was already complaining about how bad it was when I saw that I end at 7 on Tues and 8 on Wed. Now, my 6-8 class on Wed is shifted to Thurs, which just means that I have and extra 5 hour break added to my timetable!! And it also takes away my short Thursdayssss! Argh, hate this so badly, I'm going to do everything I can to try and change my tut group ):

SHITTY BUM BUM, I'm becoming a lazy girl all over again. ):

Hello earthlings who read my blog. I actually wonder who really comes here. Haha, oh wells, maybe I'll just use this as a place to keep my memories. Anyway, life's been really awesome for me lately, and I hope its the same for everyone (: I'll try to make this short and sweet.

Celebrated my 11 year buddy's sweet eighteenth awhile back. I really love making surprises for her cause she'll scream like crazy and be super touched & appreciative. (: Btw, Ade Rach Karissa & Gen, another outing soon pleaseeee?


Met up with my awesome girls for dinner too. Lots of misunderstandings and stuff here and there, but I hope everything turns out okay soon! Then we can all have our long awaited BBQ and sleepover! :D

Then there was FOC training camp, which was pretty awesome and night with clique cause we played all night. And of course, the time spent with my darling boy is priceless. (:
And And And, I'm super happy and exicited cause I got the job at Ben and Jerry's! like O-M-G, I never thought they would ever call back, and I never thought I could make it through the interview. It was super scary, 4 people interviewing 4 of us at one time. (There were a few groups) Okay I shouldn't talk about it here just in case I get into any trouble. But, I'm just very :D, its like a dream come true.

Celebrated Samuel's eighteenth today, and we made him do really silly stuff like stand outside plaza sing and ask this group of girls "where is plaza sing?", go into starhub and ask the guy where he can subscribe for Mio TV, and shout "Wingadium Laviosa!" in spotlight with a stick and everything. There were more, 18 althogether! Haha, I hope we made his birthday memorable for him! :D I'm also pretty happy with my results so I'm in a good mood. (: Tata people!

EXAMS ARE OVER OVER OVERRRRRRRRR! Haha, I'm so happy I'm going insane. All the best who those who are still in the midst of their torturous exams, espcially clique&baby. Jia you! Then we can party like crazy when its all over!

Just got home from watching Imaginary (?) doctor mangorium (?). Happy 22nd, daniel. :D

I miss sjc, yet again. When are we meeting up, my dear girls? Life's been really hectic recently. Exams are in less than 2 weeks. Joanne says I should blog, and i'll listen to her. (See this, girl? I heart you)

And baby, I dont want to spent valentine's alone this year. Please don't go to m'sia? ):

School sucks because there's presentations and numerous numbers of projects. But I'm glad the three of them make doing them so much more fun. :D Thank you, Coke ZX and Casey (:
But I still got to complain about this coming tuesday. SUCKS SO BADLY. Firstly, I've got school at EIGHT AM. The two-hour class probably end in less than one hour (but I cannot pon since I have a warning letter for that f-ing cds already). Then, I've got a lonely 5-hrs to spend (unless the guys decide to be really nice and come earlier). After which I have APIP presentation (which also means I'll be in formal wear and high heals the whole day). Then I've got tutorial. And I've got (fucking) cds test from 7-8pm. omg, FML.

Oh wells, I've got a mock test tmr which I didnt study for at all. So I should go and sleep now.

I'm sorry I cant stop thinking, but forgiving doesn't mean forgetting.
I guess I'm stuck with it for life, although it sucks living a lie.
Even you got over it, so now why can't I?
I hope you never stopped loving, and that it was just a try.
Nobody really knows whats happening inside.
Cause memories don't fade, not until the day we die.

"People like their lives to be prdictable, no matter how boring it is"

Christmas and New Year Countdown were awesome because it was spent with <3. Okay, I know that I'm very outdated. But I wanted to blog for many days already! Its because my stupid laptop wont let me upload any pictures. Not here, not in facebook. ): So, I shant update but I'll blog about my past year.(:

To sum up 2009, its been a year of change. Not exactly my personality, but rather my enviornment. Its true that change is good, because we all need to move on to do greater things in live. But I hate it. Just felt like alot of people very dear to me suddenly became hi-bye friends. Okay I'm exaggerating because we do still meet up, but I miss so many things, so many people. I miss the kind of lifestyle we used to lead.

On a lighter note, getting into psychology @ tp is a dream come true for me. And I'm really happy to say that I made some awesome friends there. Study wise, well its not as awesome.

Nonetheless, the best thing that happened to me is my baby boy. Cant count it as 2009, but the past year definitely would have sucked without him. So, thank you Alvin Lim. We've had 3, and will have 32 more 26th of December to celebrate together.(: (Thats because I'll only live till 50)

Targets for 2010:
-Not miss any of my quiz/assignment deadlines
- Get BTT and theory for driving
- 2.4km at least once in two months (and pull baby along)
- Stop eating those pink pills unless absolutely necessary

I wanted to write "Not to be late for lectures, tutorials, and when meeting others" and "Become more street smart" but I realised that goals should be achievable. hahah ):

TWO ZERO ONE ZERO WILL BE A BETTER YEAR (:

Anyway, School officially started, but not for us, psych people. Its been SDL this two weeks, which means no school but plus one hundred million more assignments. Shit the bloody head. Butttt, I still love the no school part. Hoho.

Okay, I need to wake up ealy tomorrow for my Uncle's funeral so I should sleep now. Its really scary that life is so fragile.

This week was great. Although it was supper dupper tiring, I love meeting up with all my loved ones(: I'll try to make this one week's worth of post as short as possible.



I couldnt have asked for better friends (:

IM SO HAPPY CAUSE MID SEM TESTS ARE OVER! :D
My nineteen hour sleep yesterday was a-w-e-s-o-m-e. Havent slept for so long in a very long while. For the past week, baby and me hardly slept 4 hours everynight! Hope the long sleep recruperates my dark eye circles as well! ):

And yet, I'm going to complain! Two weeks of break is not enough! Stupid baby's boasting how sp has 3 weeks. Oh man, this is not fair! hahah. Anyway, I hope I get to meet all my lovlies this hols. I miss them too much, really. Life's just not the same without them. ):

My first day of break was gooood. Caught Couples Retreat, which btw, is a really good show! :D Shopping starts tomorrow so I need MORE rest now, tata!


oh btw, girls, date me now now now! :D

Happy 26th, honey. :D

Its early in the morning and I should be in bed now but I'm here. Its not that I cannot fall asleep. In fact, I'm ultra tired I can sleep any second. But i've got to do my work. I want to finish my introduction today! Which is an impossible task because I'm only done with the very first part. ): Oh wells. I dont see how being here helps my situation, but I just felt like typing something besides psych stuffs.

Baby surprised me by bringing Ade over to TP today! I was really shocked. Hee, thanks for coming all the way to the other end of singapore to find me, lazy darl. (:

Pain is related to the hypothalamus and amygdala. And that's exactly why I'll never forget it. It wasnt your fault, but its the reason for the trust I have left. Was it a mistake to ask you?

Okay, I should go do a bit more then head to la la land. Or else, I can forget about being on time tomorrow.

Bye!

And what happens when it fails?

Its Friday the Thirteeeeeeen!

Had CCN day today! As usual, Stephanie took photos today so I wont be able to upload them because she'll only send me 500 years later. Haha! Oh my gooodnesssssss. I'm still bloody angry with that bloody malay dude that ordered 35 roses, which jiawen wraped very nicely btw, and ran away! Tsk him. I hate people like that, he could at least come back and tell us right. I got scammed by the sincere face. ):

Besides "a few" hiccups, I think we were quite successful. There was this guy who ordered to deliver 21 roses to his gf, with a very very touching card. Because it was their 21st month, and they were going through a tough time in their relationship. We threw in samuel singing a love song for him. Hopes she forgives him! (:

Anyway, I left to meet baby at town and headed to MFM MS to eat and see my darlings! Had to pass them the tent because marcelle's one was spoilt. Poor baby had to carry it everywhere. :X He was being a good friend's boyfriend. Hee.

Andddd, I had a wonderful chat with Ade last night. Hope you're okay dear! :D

I just dont understand how irresponsible you can be. I know it wasnt a mistake, maybe you just couldnt be bothered. Its just very irritating because at the expense of your immaturity, everyone became so damn stressed, running everywhere to fix what you messed up. You could have at the very least, let all of us know in advance, when you made the decision to screw us up last night. Like we concluded, guys can't be trusted, girl power's better. Anyway, thanks for the flower. Sorry if you do read this, I need output.

Life's been so busy.

One of the rare photos stephanie choo ever uploads. I think I'll get the rest in five years time. haha! Anyway, I'm in class now. And we're all totally not listening. I want to send tt stupid woman back to India. She's bloody irritating. Tsk her. Anyway, I'm glad half of my tuesday is gone. My long and tiring days will be over soon! yay(:

My darling's really down and sianed from school these days and it really sucks that we're studying in different ends of singapore. Anyway, if you do read this, cheer up okay. We need to meet up soon to catch up with each other's busy lives! LOVE YOU GIRL! :D

And, I'm so looking forward to friday. TBB8, see you babes soon!

I think I've been meeting babydear everyday, for the past month or so. Some days its just an hour, but I miss him too much to not see him for more than 24hrs. haha! Hope he doesnt get bored of me!

Happy twenty-sixth of october, love.
Though it wasnt long, thanks for an awesome day, I Love you deeperestest.

School isn't so bad when theres a bunch of happy people going through the boring lectures with you. But tmr's gonna be an ultra long day! I still cant get over the fact that I have to go to school at 8am tomorrow. I'll never get over it. Hope BFA tut wont be so bad though.):

I hope I'll really get to see my girls on friday(next friday, is it?). YAY.

STUPID BLOGGER WONT LET ME UPLOAD PICS. *#!&#! )):

Yes, I feel like bitching so much now. HAHA.
I'm reading my sister's friend's boyfriend's ex-fling's blog now.
Its amazing how I went on and on to read one whole year of her old entries, because I feel damn angry for sissy's friend. So stoooopid. Stupid guy, too. Oh wells, I bet none of you will understand what I'm babbling about but I just feel like bitching so yea.

Okay, enough for now.

I had a great first week ofschool. Because I only went to school for 2 days, hee(: But my tuesdays sucks still. I need to go to school from 8am to 7pm if I dont want a seven hour break. And I need to complain abt my CDS. My group of 5 consits of 4 of them from the same school, same class, same clique. I am going to have a misarable time. ): Nvm, I should look on the bright side and love my timetable cause I've got 3 short days. :D

Last friday, I went to SP to crash baby's lecture so I can see Gene lecturing. He totally embarrassed me by pointing out to the whole lecture that I'm not supposed to be there, a few times somemore! Haha! But he's so funny. I wish he was my lecturer. I've got this new tutor from India, omg I cannot understand a thing she says. ):

Anyway, Baby and me went to give Joanne and Marcelle a visit at MFM just now. My darlings are such sweet things. M even flamed the sauce "V heart A". I heart both of them also. :D Please girls, date me out soon can? I miss the eight of you like crazy.

Yes, tomorrow is the first day of school for me, and all the poly peeps! ):

Vanessa :D
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CHIJ SJC
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